grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第3章

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ht　I；　I　am　　so　accustomed　to　it；　that　it　is　in　vain　for　me　to　think　of　a　　reformation；　for　I　thought　it　could　never　be。

28。　　But　how　it　came　to　pass；　I　know　not；　I　did　from　this　time　　forward；　so　leave　my　swearing；　that　it　was　a　great　wonder　to　myself　　to　observe　it；　and　whereas　before　I　knew　not　how　to　speak　unless　I　　put　an　oath　before；　and　another　behind；　to　make　my　words　have　　authority；　now　I　could；　without　it；　speak　better；　and　with　more　　pleasantness　than　ever　I　could　before。　　All　this　while　I　knew　not　　Jesus　Christ；　neither　did　I　leave　my　sports　and　plays。

29。　　But　quickly　after　this；　I　fell　into　company　with　one　poor　man　　that　made　profession　of　religion；　who；　as　I　then　thought；　did　talk　　pleasantly　of　the　scriptures；　and　of　the　matters　of　religion；　　wherefore　falling　into　some　love　and　liking　to　what　he　said；　I　　betook　me　to　my　Bible；　and　began　to　take　great　pleasure　in　reading；　　but　especially　with　the　historical　part　thereof；　for　as　for　Paul's　　Epistles；　and　such　like　scriptures；　I　could　not　away　with　them；　　being　as　yet　ignorant；　either　of　the　corruptions　of　my　nature；　or　　of　the　want　and　worth　of　Jesus　Christ　to　save　me。

30。　　Wherefore　I　fell　to　some　outward　reformation　both　in　my　words　　and　life；　and　did　set　the　commandments　before　me　for　my　way　to　　heaven；　which　commandments　I　also　did　strive　to　keep；　and；　as　I　　thought；　did　keep　them　pretty　well　sometimes；　and　then　I　should　　have　comfort；　yet　now　and　then　should　break　one；　and　so　afflict　my　　conscience；　but　then　I　should　repent；　and　say；　I　was　sorry　for　it；　　and　promise　God　to　do　better　next　time；　and　there　get　help　again；　　for　then　I　thought　I　pleased　God　as　well　as　any　man　in　ENGLAND。

31。　　Thus　I　continued　about　a　year；　all　which　time　our　neighbours　　did　take　me　to　be　a　very　godly　man；　a　new　and　religious　man；　and　　did　marvel　much　to　see　such　a　great　and　famous　alteration　in　my　　life　and　manners；　and　indeed　so　it　was；　though　yet　I　knew　not　　Christ；　nor　grace；　nor　faith；　nor　hope；　for；　as　I　have　well　seen　　since；　had　I　then　died；　my　state　had　been　most　fearful。

32。　　But；　I　say；　my　neighbours　were　amazed　at　this　my　great　　conversion；　from　prodigious　profaneness；　to　something　like　a　moral　　life；　and　truly；　so　they　well　might；　for　this　my　conversion　was　as　　great；　as　for　Tom　of　Bethlehem　to　become　a　sober　man。　　Now　　therefore　they　began　to　praise；　to　commend；　and　to　speak　well　of　　me；　both　to　my　face；　and　behind　my　back。　　Now　I　was；　as　they　said；　　become　godly；　now　I　was　become　a　right　honest　man。　　But　oh！　when　I　　understood　these　were　their　words　and　opinions　of　me；　it　pleased　me　　mighty　well。　　For；　though　as　yet　I　was　nothing　but　a　poor　painted　　hypocrite；　yet；　I　loved　to　be　talked　of　as　one　that　was　truly　　godly。　　I　was　proud　of　my　godliness；　and　indeed；　I　did　all　I　did；　　either　to　be　seen　of；　or　to　be　well　spoken　of；　by　men：　　and　thus　I　　continued　for　about　a　twelve…month；　or　more。

33。　　Now　you　must　know；　that；　before　this；　I　had　taken　much　delight　　in　ringing；　but　my　CONSCIENCE　beginning　to　be　tender；　I　thought　　such　PRACTICE　was　but　vain；　and　therefore　forced　myself　to　leave　　it；　yet　my　mind　hankered；　wherefore　I　would　go　to　the　steeple…　house；　and　look　on；　though　I　durst　not　ring：　　but　I　thought　this　　did　not　become　religion　neither；　yet　I　forced　myself；　and　would　　look　on　still；　but　quickly　after；　I　began　to　think；　HOW　IF　ONE　OF　　THE　BELLS　SHOULD　FALL？　　Then　I　chose　to　stand　under　a　main　beam；　　that　lay　overthwart　the　steeple；　from　side　to　side；　thinking　here　I　　might　stand　sure；　but　then　I　should　think　again；　should　the　bell　　fall　with　a　swing；　it　might　first　hit　the　wall；　and　then；　　rebounding　upon　me；　might　kill　me　for　all　this　beam；　this　made　me　　stand　in　the　steeple…door；　and　now；　thought　I；　I　am　safe　enough；　　for　if　the　bell　should　now　fall；　I　can　slip　out　behind　these　thick　　walls；　and　so　be　preserved　notwithstanding。

34。　　So　after　this　I　would　yet　go　to　see　them　ring；　but　would　not　　go　any　farther　than　the　steeple…door；　but　then　it　came　into　my　　head；　how　if　the　steeple　itself　should　fall？　　And　this　thought　（it　　may　for　aught　I　know）　when　I　stood　and　looked　on；　did　continually　　so　shake　my　mind；　that　I　durst　not　stand　at　the　steeple…door　any　　longer；　but　was　forced　to　flee；　for　fear　the　steeple　should　fall　　upon　my　head。

35。　　Another　thing　was；　my　dancing；　I　was　a　full　year　before　I　　could　quite　leave　that；　but　all　this　while；　when　I　thought　I　kept　　this　or　that　commandment；　or　did；　by　word　or　deed；　anything　that　I　　thought　was　good；　I　had　great　peace　in　my　conscience；　and　should　　think　with　myself；　God　cannot　choose　but　be　now　pleased　with　me；　　yea；　to　relate　it　in　mine　own　way；　I　thought　no　man　in　ENGLAND　　could　please　God　better　than　I。

36。　　But　poor　wretch　as　I　was！　　I　was　all　this　while　ignorant　of　　Jesus　Christ；　and　going　about　to　establish　my　own　righteousness；　　and　had　perished　therein；　had　not　God　in　mercy　showed　me　more　of　my　　state　by　nature。

37。　　But　upon　a　day；　the　good　providence　of　God　called　me　to　　BEDFORD；　to　work　on　my　calling；　and　in　one　of　the　streets　of　that　　town；　I　came　where　there　were　three　or　four　poor　women　sitting　at　a　　door；　in　the　sun；　talking　about　the　things　of　God；　and　being　now　　willing　to　hear　them　discourse；　I　drew　near　to　hear　what　they　said；　　for　I　was　now　a　brisk　talker　also　myself；　in　the　matters　of　　religion；　but　I　may　say；　I　HEARD　BUT　UNDERSTOOD　NOT；　for　they　were　　far　above；　out　of　my　reach。　　Their　talk　was　about　a　new　birth；　the　　work　of　God　on　their　hearts；　also　how　they　were　convinced　of　their　　miserable　state　by　nature；　they　talked　how　God　had　visited　their　　souls　with　His　love　in　the　Lord　Jesus；　and　with　what　words　and　　promises　they　had　been　refreshed；　comforted；　and　supported；　against　　the　temptations　of　the　devil：　　moreover；　they　reasoned　of　the　　suggestions　and　temptations　of　Satan　in　particular；　and　told　to　　each　other；　by　which　they　had　been　afflicted　and　how　they　were　　borne　up　under　his　assaults。　　They　also　discoursed　of　their　own　　wretchedness　of　heart；　and　of　their　unbelief；　and　did　contemn；　　slight　and　abhor　their　own　righteousness；　as　filthy；　and　　insufficient　to　do　them　any　good。

38。　　And；　methought；　they　spake　as　if　joy　did　make　them　speak；　they　　spake　with　such　pleasantness　of　scripture　language；　and　with　such　　appearance　of　grace　in　all　they　said；　that　they　were　to　me；　as　if　　they　had　found　a　new　world；　as　if　they　were　PEOPLE　THAT　DWELT　　ALONE；　AND　WERE　NOT　TO　BE　RECKONED　AMONG　THEIR　NEIGHBOURS。　　Numb。　　xxiii。　9。

39。　　At　this　I　felt　my　own　heart　began　to　shake；　and　mistrust　my　　condition　to　be　naught；　for　I　saw　that　in　all　my　thoughts　about　　religion　and　salvation；　the　new…birth　did　never　enter　into　my　mind；　　neither　knew　I　the　comfort　of　the　word　and　promise；　nor　the　　deceitfulness　and　treachery　of　my　own　wicked　heart。　　As　for　secret　　thoughts；　I　took　no　notice　of　them；　neither　did　I　understand　what　　Satan's　temptations　were；　nor　how　they　were　to　be　withstood；　and　　resisted；　etc。

40。　　Thus；　therefore；　when　I　had　heard　and　considered　what　they　　said；　I　left　them；　and　went　about　my　employment　again；　but　their　　talk　and　discourse　went　with　me；　also　my　heart　would　tarry　with　　them；　for　I　was　greatly　affected　with　their　words；　both　because　by　　them　I　was　convinced　that　I　wanted　the　true　tokens　of　a　truly　godly　　man；　and　also　because　by　them　I　was　convinced　of　the　happy　and　　blessed　condition　of　him　that　was　such　a　one。

41。　　Therefore　I　should　often　make　it　my　business　to　be　going　again　　and　again　into　the　company　of　these　poor　people；　for　I　could　not　　stay　away；　and　the　more　I　went　amongst　them；　the　more　I　did　　question　my　condition；　and　as　I　still　do　remember；　presently　I　　found　two　things　within　me；　at　which　I　did　sometimes　marvel　　（especially　considering　what　a　blind；　ignorant；　sordid　and　ungodly　　wretch　but　just　before　I　was）。　　The　one　was　a　very　great　softness　　and　tenderness　of　heart；　which　caused　me　to　fall　under　the　　conviction　of　what　by　scripture　they　asserted；　and　the　other　was　a　　great　bending　in　my　mind；　to　a　continual　meditating　on　it；　and　on　　all　other　good　things；　which　at　any　time　I　heard　or　read　of。

42。　　By　these　things　my　mind　was　now　so　turned；　that　it　lay　like　an　　horse…leech　at　the　vein；　still　crying　out；　GIVE；　GIVE；　Prov。　xxx。　　15；　yea；　it　was　so　fixed　on　eternity；　and　on　the　things　about　the　　kingdom　of　heaven　（that　is；　so　far　as　I　knew；　though　as　yet；　God　　knows；　I　knew　but　little）；　that　neither　pleasures；　nor　profits；　nor　　persuasions；　nor　threats；　could　loose　it；　or　make　it　let　go　its　　hold；　and　though　I　may　speak　it　with　shame；　yet　it　is　in　very　deed；　　a　certain　truth；　it　would　then　have　been　as　difficult　for　me　to　　have　taken　my　mind　from　heaven　to　earth；　as　I　have　found　it　often　　since；　to　get　again　from　earth　to　heaven。

43。　　One　thing　I　may　not　omit：　　There　was　a　young　man　in　our　town；　　to　whom　my　heart　before　was　knit；　more　than　to　any　other；　but　he　　being　a　most　wicked　creature　for　cursing；　and　swearing；　and　　whoreing；　I　now　shook　him　off；　and　forsook　his　company；　but　about　a　　quarter　of　a　year　after　I　had　left　him；　I　met　him　in　a　certain　　lane；　and　asked　him　how　he　did：　　he；　after　his　old　swearing　and　mad　　way；　answered；　he　was　well。　　But；　Harry；　said　I；　WHY　DO　YOU　CURSE　　AND　SWEAR　THUS？　　WHAT　WILL　BECOME　OF　YOU；　IF　YOU　DIE　IN　THIS　　CONDITION？　　He　answered　me　in　a　great　chafe；　WHAT　WOULD　THE　DEVIL　　DO　FOR　COMPANY；　IF　IT　WERE　NOT　FOR　SUCH　AS　I　AM？

44。　　About　this　time　I　met　with　some　Ranters'　books；　that　were　put　　forth　by　some　of　our　countrymen；　which　books　were　also　highly　in　　esteem　by　several　old　professors；　some　of　these　I　read；　but　was　not　　able　to　make　any　judgment　about　them；　wherefore　as　I　read　in　them；　　and　thought　upon　them　（seeing　myself　unable　to　judge）；　I　would　　betake　myself　to　hearty　prayer　in　this　manner。　　O　LORD；　I　AM　A　　FOOL；　AND　NOT　ABLE　TO　KNOW　THE　TRUTH　FROM　ERROR：　　LORD；　LEAVE　ME　　NOT　TO　MY　OWN　BLINDNESS；　EITHER　TO　APPROVE　OF　OR　CONDEMN　THIS　　DOCTRINE；　IF　IT　BE　OF　GOD；　LET　ME　NOT　DESPISE　IT；　IF　IT　BE　OF　THE　　DEVIL；　LET　ME　NOT　EMBRACE　IT。　　LORD；　I　LAY　MY　SOUL　IN　THIS　MATTER　　ONLY　AT　THY　FOOT；　LET　ME　NOT　BE　DECEIVED；　I　HUMBLY　BESEECH　THEE。　　I　　had　one　religious　intimate　companion　all　this　while；　and　that　was　　the　poor　man　I　spoke　of　before；　but　about　this　time；　he　also　turned　　a　most　devilish　Ranter；　and　gave　himself　up　to　all　manner　of　　filthiness；　especially　uncleanness：　　he　would　also　deny　that　there　　was　a　God；　angel；　or　spirit；　and　would　laugh　at　all　exhortations　to　　sobriety；　when　I　laboured　to　rebuke　his　wickedness　he　would　laugh　　the　more；　and　pretend　that　he　had　gone　through　all　religions；　and　　could　never　light　on　the　right　till　now。　　He　told　me　also；　that　in　　a　little　time　I　should　see　all　professors　turn　to　the　ways　of　the　　Ranters。　　Wherefore；　abominating　those　cursed　principles；　I　left　　his　company　forthwith；　and　became　to　him　as　great　a　stranger；　as　I　　had　been　before　a　familiar。

45。　　Neither　was　this　man　only　a　temptation　to　me；　but　my　calling　　lying　in　the　country；　I　happened　to　light　into　several　people's　　company；　who　though　strict　in　religion　formerly；　yet　were　also　　swept　away　by　these　Ranters。　　These　would　also　talk　with　me　of　　their　ways；　and　condemn　me　as　legal　and　dark；　pretending　that　they　　only　had　attained　to　perfection；　that　could　do　what　they　would　and　　not　sin。　　Oh！　thes